• Mackenzie

I'm Fine

If I had a nickel for every time I said that...


Why do we even say I'm fine? We say it to our friends, our family, people we don't even know. Heck, sometimes I even say it to myself. Over, and over again, I'm fine.


To Pretend

When I don't feel good: physically, mentally or emotionally, a good 9 times out of 10 I don't want to talk about it. Unless I absolutely have to I would like said person to ignore the fact that I am having a moment and just pretend that I am fine. Which is honestly a bad habit and one of the many reasons I am in therapy but, chronic illness is so all consuming sometimes. It eats up every aspect of your life that sometimes you just need to be "fine".


To Deflect

Have you ever had a person come up to you and say "How are you feeling?" or "How are you doing?" but you know they genuinely don't want to hear about it. I loathe that. It burns a fire in me with the intensity of a thousand suns. Why? Because your options are: Lie or tell them something they don't want to hear. I usually go with the lying, the "I'm fine" even if I feel like my head is about to explode and I'm going to puke all over them, it is better than seeing the expression on their face as I explain myself.


Guilt

The people you love in your life, the ones who genuinely care about you, you never want to bother them. It feels as if some kind of burden is being imparted if you share what you are feeling or if you need help. Over time so much guilt builds up for the things you feel you have put them through that it seems easier to just say "I'm fine"than to share how you are actually feeling.


Reassurance

When I am having a moment of anxiety or I am about to have a procedure done one of my mantras, ironically enough, is you are fine. It helps ground me back into a mindset that even though I may be mentally very far from fine, I can pull myself back and that there isn't anything physically wrong with me. If I am having a procedure or exam, even though I don't have control of my body and may be under some kind of physical stress in my mind I can be fine, I can be grounded, I can be okay.


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